Short stories

Life has a way of shaping and changing you. Numerous things cross your path that stretches, pulls and shoves until something inside of you must simply give way or break. It seems as if some people draw troubles and hardship to themselves like a magnet. The troubles and pain you have to face at times become so plentiful that it cannot leave you untouched in your journey across this deep river of life. From memory you recall;

Sexual abuse over a long period of time, change you and confuse you as the wounds never heal. They come back to haunt you years later and has an influence on your behavior. Is this enough to be able to say that you are broken?

A lonely life as child with no hugs and kisses, no “I love you” from parents that you can remember. Afraid and lonely you stumble forth in this jungle of pain and loneliness. More was to come. Mom died and you had to keep house for the three of you. Cooking, washing, cleaning, mothering a sister and trying to pass standard six left you empty and bewildered. “How do I do this” you asked. Physical abuse, harsh words, humiliation and lack of appreciation cause you to simply stumble forward, one step at a time, empty and alone in your world. Are you broken yet?

Pain and fear consume you. “Dad doesn’t love me” He lashes out with fists so hard until you fall to the ground, then kicks you until hê is tired or his anger subsides. Oh, the pain, it hurts in so many ways. Step mom is pregnant and relations are not good. “If something goes wrong, I will kill you” your father yells. Time for brother to be born. “What will his life be like?” She started bleeding during delivery. “Dad is going to kill me!” Fear gives your feet wings, and you run like never before. Darkness and fear accompanies you through the next three days, living in the field outside town. Hunger and loneliness is a blanket that covers you. A kind teacher finds you tired and dirty, holds you to his chest and tries to hide his tears. A little love, a little kindness. You return to the boarding school. She didn’t die. Maybe dad will forgive me.

After four môre years of physical and emotional abuse, more pain and no love, tired and afraid, you start your life as an adult. Dad becomes disabled to work, they have nowhere to go. You change career and rent a house for them to live in. At age of nineteen you shoulders are not strong enough for this burden. Môre harsh words and arguments. Dad wanted to shoot you. Enough!, enough! You yell through soundless lips. No môre! No. Môre please!

But a short while passes. Two years later and the woman you love, marries another man. Broken an alone you stumble forward. “What sense is there to life?” you ask. Are you broken now? Not yet, môre was to come, much more.

Lonely child, lonely man, why did you get married so soon? Why didn’t you wait longer and made certain of the match? Did you do it simply to escape the darkness of loneliness, pain and rejection? After two years of marriage you notice the first cracks. Shocked, you ask, “What do I do now? Try harder, you decide. Work, work and more work, longer hours and less time at home. One income is not enough. After 15 years the cracks have become so wide that they are impossible to cross. Love and affection disappeared in the wind. Your lover, friend and soul mate is present in body only. Loneliness lies at your door like a hungry dog. Sadness so great, that it wants to destroy you, lives inside of you. Are you broken yet?

The black cloud of depression smothers you like a blanket. Doc. Doctor, help! I am falling apart. Pills and more pills, until they control your life. A crutch that destroys and haunts, you can’t go without them any longer. A moment of sanity arrives, treatment and a living hell follows. The pain remains. “Dad, when are we going to the coast?” and your answer, “I don’t my son, maybe when we have money.” More desperate times follow, children without pocket money. Spiritual desert, empty and rejected, no money for tithing and offerings. “Church, dear church, is my soul no longer valued.” Year after year, work, work and more pain. “Why has my heart turned into stone? There is always food on the table, always a plan to make, even though crime could land you behind bars. You beg, you threaten, wife, please find a job and help, we are being destroyed. The expression, the silence and the cold shoulder tells a story of it’s own. “ Children, why do we have to support you? Why don’t you find jobs?” Aggression and violence, children assaulting a father and swearing like sailors. Dad is old but not helpless and teaches them a lesson. Silent anger and hatred follows. Bacchus, Bacchus, where are you. Take away my pain. More drunk than sober, the pain remains. Are you now broken? Besides, can I really blame a woman for not wanting a drunk husband in that special way. There is however a question, which was first, the chicken or the egg?

 

Loneliness, bitterness and anger take control. The grass outside the fence is green and plentiful. “Please, just a little love or affection for a drunkard.” Thirty years together. “Is this what marriage is about?” “Please, just a little love and understanding, just a soft and tender touch, to take the winter in my heart away.” Silence and a cold shoulder walks hand in hand with an anger so great, it wants to destroy and demolish. “Men never hit women, your hands will fall off” I remember my late mother’s words just in time. Enough! No more please! No more! Divorce after thirty years, loneliness waits at the door to take my hand. Are you broken at last?

“Lonely man, miserable human being, what now, but to continue on this journey?” The body still willing, but spirit broken. Life has no sense any longer. Death calls, calls every day. “Take me away!” you cry to no avail. Forward, forward every day. “What is the destination?” you ask.

Love, affection and tender hands, where are you?

Everywhere, if you know where to look.

Two years of playing in the mud, living like no human has the right to live. Fear left by the backdoor when recklessness and insanity were invited through the front door. Drinking, drugs, women and anything else that was bad. Then something deep inside gives way, something breaks. The dam wall breaks and tears flow freely. “ You fool, you stupid fool! Is this how you want to live and die?” Broken at last, broken into a thousand pieces. “Is it possible to become whole again?”

God, where are you?
Are you still there, somewhere?
May I still talk to you?
Dare I talk to you?

Do you still remember me?

I need a home, a spiritual home. Searching for a church where I will be accepted and be welcome. Knock, knock, from door to door. A miracle happens. When I tell the story, I receive a smile instead of a frown. “Come and join us on Sunday”, he says. Sunday, a new beginning. I sat in awe as I watched these people. They truly love one another, and above all, they love God!

The journey to recovery has started. Miracles started happening. The great thirst disappeared, anger and bitterness left and made room for forgiveness, them and myself. The pain remained.

Understanding for the pain of others grew into something beautiful. You stand up from the mud and is cleansed by Grace. You start to live again, full of love and gratitude for the mercy of God. Jesus lives inside me now. He died on the cross, even for me. Tears of joy are plentiful. Like in the song, “Why me Lord” He started using me to reach out to others who are in pain.
 

One day at a time, one step at a time. After a year of God’s love and tender hands to touch, steer and comfort me, I am at last, a complete human being. Or am I? Joy and happiness fills most of my days. Wisdom and understanding for the troubled souls around me, enables me to serve this great God who allowed me to be saved by Jesus, His son. “Look behind you, human, and see. There is only one row of footprints behind you.” It is because He carried you since childhood until this day.”

When I look behind me now, I see two rows of footprints, for the first time in my life. God is walking next to me, and I am holding on to His hand, just for in case! Besides, I need Him to help me. to get rid of the pain that is still inside me. It is less, but not gone yet.

I am alive!

God has remembered me!