‘Good morning, good morning.” The bank consultant gazed at the prospective customer who’d just sat down across the desk from him like a lizard might watch a fly buzzing in its vicinity. “And what can I do for you?’
The young man cleared his throat, rubbed at the shaving cut on his chin and explained:
‘I’ve just started working and I have to open a bank account so they can deposit my salary.’
‘Excellent, excellent! We have a wonderful new range of products that should really blow you away. Here’s a brochure that explains the benefits.’
The young man paged through the glossy booklet. ‘But this costs R5 000 per month!’
‘You have noticed our amazing new benefits, particularly in respect of security? For example, you could enter your pin from highest number to lowest. If your pin is 58201, you enter 85210 and the machine swallows up the robber and transports him to the nearest police station.
Or you can enter the square root of the pin. If your pin is 6539, you enter 80,8640834981 and the robber will immediately contract the AIDS virus and get a hiccup attack.
But the best option is to enter the pin multiplied by your actual age and divided by the age that you look. So Cliff Richard will multiply his pin by 72 and divide it by 19 and enter the result and the robber will be transformed into a 90-year old paraplegic called Sheila who is about to be signed on as a suicide bomber in Syria.’
‘That’s all very impressive, but I will earn just R3 000 a month. I really can’t afford this. Don’t you have a cheaper account?’
‘How cheap?’
‘What’s the cheapest you have?’
‘Oh.’ The consultant’s lip turned slightly upward at the corner, a lizard who’s apparently decided that this particular fly was way too small and not really worth the effort. ‘Well, if you must. That will be R500 a month.’
‘R500 – but that’s way too much!’
‘Have you noticed the beautiful diary and wallet that we give you when you open an account, absolutely free?’
‘That’s very nice. But on my salary I really can’t afford so much. You might as well take an arm and a leg.’
‘That option is available. If you step through that door on the right you will enter our Surgical Limb Removal Centre. I must warn you that we charge customers the full cost of the amputation – that’s R25 000.’
‘Look, that arm and leg thing was a joke.’
‘A joke? Sorry, I don’t understand.’
‘Never mind. I’m really sorry to trouble you but I think I’ll just have to forget all about this.’
‘That’s your decision. Please make sure you pay the R400 consulting fee on the way out.’
‘R400 consulting fee – but your brochure says it’s a free consultation - see, right here – “FREE CONSULTATION”!’
‘You obviously haven’t read the fine print, have you?’
‘What fine print – there’s no fine print.’
‘If you will pass the brochure to me. And now if you look at the brochure through this magnifying glass….. there, that disclaimer in size 2 font states quite clearly that a R400 charge is payable if you choose not to open a new account.’
‘Oh well – you might as well just take the arm and leg.’
In South Africa today security plays a vital part in any business or private home. This book and the volumes to follow, will guide you step by step through the essential precautionary measures to be taken in protecting your family and valuables. From employing security guards, evacuation of your site and security measures to burglar bars and alarms in your private home.
a Book compiled by me from experience gained after 10 years in the security industry as Industrial relations officer with Nosa qualifications, 1st Aid, fire protection and also S.O.B. grade A.
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