As I hit the floor, facedown, I realise.. this is it. I have nothing more to give or to reach in this passage to complete destruction. I’m defeated. If I had made myself believe in the promises that all of this heartache will soon subside, this is the time to come to a standstill and realise for once in my life that there are certain untruths that I have been taught, and will have to unlearn… right now. It is strange how hard this floor feels under my skin, how the ache and burn in my chin seem to diminish in my macabre need to be held by this carpet. To just feel the surface hold on to my skin and I could escape for just a short while from my debilitating reality. Maybe even for a moment close my eyes and loose myself in solace, relinquishing all fear and worry, trepidation, uncertainty.
I close my eyes and feel my soul lift into oblivion, almost as powder light as the angels around me. But if they were real, why do they not take me with them? Why do I feel the cold slowly creep through the surface under me and become one with the body I have the need to surrender. Is the cold theirs…. are they in fact picking me up in their arms and holding me, just for a moment… or am I lying to myself yet again…?
When they all said I am not built for this heartache and will surpass it with flying colours, they lied. I have been dealt this awful card and will be stuck with it, until it has taken all away from me. Daily I fight this loosing battle, daily I get fed this bunch of inspiring thoughts how the one with courage will eventually overcome, and daily I have to confront the truth: I can’t.
The Lord does not challenge us greater than what we can handle nor will He place something in our way that we can not overcome. They lied. Sorry, if I’m now being stroppey, but He knows how tough this is for me, He knows how close I have asked for directions, how much I would need for this to pass…. what must I still adhere to before an answer come? This has defeated me. This has depleted me. I am drained, broken, tapped, and without courage nor any inclination to fight back any longer. I will not. I can’t. This is too great for me, and He knows it.
There is a greater purpose for you and you will succeed in your quest to get there. They lied. During my wonderful yet challenging journey to get stronger and stronger I reached many people and felt invigorated in finally reaching my purpose. Rejoiced in the change that I could see glimmer in their smile, knew that somehow the Lord was using me to touch their hearts and give them courage. THAT is me. That is what I was built for. I felt it for a while. I smelt it. I tasted it. It was the highest high I have ever felt. It seemed for a moment as if I held an angel’s hand and it saved my life. But I came down to earth with a shuddering fall and realised that it was an all-time high that would never return as it was part of a wonderful dream that will not nor would ever be part of my everyday life. The players in my life had their eyes closed. Shut. Closed. I am alone. And if felt like my angel started to let go of my hand…
Doors will be opened for you and you will run through it with angel wings and be lifted to soars high up. They lied. As I saw the doors open, I ran towards them with open arms taking care to enjoy every moment deep within me, taking in every breath as if to be my last. Only to trip over the obstacles along the way, as they have in the interim reached gigantic proportions and have groomed and honed their teeth.. just for me.
Your epilepsy will die down as your stress levels lessen. They lied. What I didn’t realise is that my stress levels will never subside unless my entire package and situation improves… that includes the epilepsy. I understand how my body is taking a strain. I actually get it. If you are in a freak situation your body produces endorphins and adrenalin. Over a long period of exposure to these toxic levels, your nerve endings over sensitizes to the extend where your defenses against attacks are hindered and you could be susceptible to, for example seizures, if your body is so inclined.
Call on us, we are your friends… whenever you need to reach out and lean on us, no matter how much or how little, you are never never ever alone. They lied. It is great, yes, thank you. I know you love me and I know, had I been in trouble, you would probably move mountains to get to me. I know you would try and be there as much as you can. It’s when I’m out there, all alone, crying in the dark, when I don’t have the words to say what is in my heart, and I just needed to know that if I were to pitch up on your doorstep, you would ask no questions, and yet understand exactly where I’m at. You would be able to finish my sentences, without me asking you to, nor would I know I needed you to, even before you did. So, I drive around in the middle of the night and feel alone, cry alone, and weep because I am alone. The night has this unsympathetic way of magnifying this intense reality.. as if the dark corners and the deserted road echoes a haunting emptiness which screams abandonment. I am alone, as my heart is sobbing… and it echoes in the dark emptiness.
I close my eyes and just for a moment allow myself to embrace this sad reality. The truth is not that these were all lies. The lies are being told in my head. My inability to accept my failure in changing that which makes me cry, that which breaks me down leads me to believing that the truths in my life, are all blatant lies, as we as human beings prefer to believe that it is always someone else’s fault and we are not to blame. This way if something goes wrong, you could easily afford to shift the attention away from the inevitable. Once you have to, however face yourself and your truths in the mirror of your soul, you have to admit at least to yourself that the time has come to take stock of your life. And the truth is as plain as the nose on your face.
I stare at the wet carpet around me and feel my consciousness levels return slowly. The answers are so near now.. almost as though this seizure has jolted my brain into clarity.
All the unanswered questions are not subjected to these lies… these are tantrums of my own making. I have the right to throw a tantrum today. I am hurting and have reached the end of the tether. I feel defeated and spent. But this I know now without a shadow of a doubt, I’m officially, as from this moment not allowing life to lie to me anymore. And most of all, will desist in lying to myself.
That, you can take to the bank. That is not a lie.
In South Africa today security plays a vital part in any business or private home. This book and the volumes to follow, will guide you step by step through the essential precautionary measures to be taken in protecting your family and valuables. From employing security guards, evacuation of your site and security measures to burglar bars and alarms in your private home.
a Book compiled by me from experience gained after 10 years in the security industry as Industrial relations officer with Nosa qualifications, 1st Aid, fire protection and also S.O.B. grade A.
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